Nasty, Brutish, and Short
Evil Flash Fiction by Patrick M. Tracy

Editorial, July 2007, By Irv “The Trapdoor Spider” Metcalf

(By Patrick M. Tracy)

Lucas Miesner liked to travel.  Unlike his colleagues at the law offices of Steadman, Mazurski, and Koklayev, he didn’t squander his three weeks of vacation time pottering around in the back yard or catching up on missed afternoon naps.  No, that seemed a waste of time to him.  There were sights to see, new people to meet, new roads to drive down.  More importantly, there were people who needed taking apart.  Mr. Miesner, his well-tuned Stihl chainsaw in the trunk, was just the man for the job.

He related some of his stories to me in the years we corresponded.  Whereas I tend to enjoy the long preamble, the build up of tension as my victims begin to realize that they will leave my basement only as powdery ash scooped from my incinerator, Mr. Miesner was something of a hands-on fellow.  He did indulge me far enough to describe the sudden look of horror and disbelief in his victims’ eyes as the revving saw descended for the first cut, even admitting that the anticipation was at least one third of the rush for him.  Still, he liked the act itself, the truth of the killing.  He enjoyed it most, “…when the blood and bone would start really spraying all over, when the noise of the engine and the sounds of their screaming sort of mixed all up.”

Mr. Miesner explained that he didn’t have a preference for a particular sort of person when he chose to express himself in the craft.  “I get drawn to all kinds.  I can see the aura about ’em—I can tell when they need to get parted out,” he told me in one of our more candid interviews.

For disposal afterward, Mr. Miesner preferred several weighted canvas bags, dumped into deep water.  “I’m not much for digging graves,” he revealed.  “I have a few bad lumbar vertebrae, and that motion doesn’t do them any good.  Anyway, nothing beats a good day out on the water.”

I’m saddened to report that Mr. Miesner recently passed away.  I hadn’t spoken to him in a few years, but indications are that he was leading a good, active life until the end.  A sudden heart attack cut his promising career short at only fifty-one years of age.  In a personal note, I would like to say that Lucas Miesner was one of the great gentlemen of the craft.  Always polite and self-effacing, he embodied the true spirit of fellowship that is the heart of our small fraternity.  He will be missed.

My statistician, Dr. Housefeld, estimates Mr. Miesner’s final score as between fourteen and twenty kills.  A fine total, especially considering the sanguine methods he employed.  Never questioned by the authorities, Mr. Miesner proved that brutal slaying is still a valid part of our culture, even in these days of DNA tests and fingerprints.  One can only hope that some up-and-coming savant in the craft will take up a chainsaw and continue his work.

Editor’s Note: is not real.  There is no newsletter for serial killers and mass murderers.  Any resembelance to real persons or crimes is purely accidental.  We do not endorse or encourage any sort of murderous behavior.  Furthermore, we take no responsibily for the behavior of our audience.  We serve only to entertain, not as some sort of “handbook” for the budding serial killer.


3 Responses to “”

  1. Thanks for the editor’s note. The idea is certainly chilling enough without thinking that someone might take it serious. I may be a little strange, but I see this as being more of a humorous chiller. Jeesh!!

  2. Chilling indeed! Interesting concept of a “club” for mass murder & savagery.

  3. Doc,

    Well, I was of two minds about the editor’s note. On one hand, I thought that the “real thing” would probably have to protest its innocence. On the other hand, I didn’t want anyone thinking that I really was old Irv “The Trapdoor Spider” Metcalf! There’s clearly an element of sardonic humor here.


    I thought it was pretty fun. I hope it’s not too horribly explotative of a real issue. Or maybe I don’t care…artistic license and all that. Who knows?

    Thanks for writing in!

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