Death Coaching for Serial Killers: An Infomercial
By Patrick M. Tracy
Cue the upbeat music.
Show a nondescript white male in his early forties, bloody up to his elbows and holding a meat cleaver, but looking confused and downcast.
Ever felt like this? You’re not alone.
Dissolve to the bright colored soundstage and a peppy, attractive host.
The infomercial begins:
So, you’re a sicko. Maybe you’re a narcissistic sociopath with impulse control problems, maybe you’re a sexual sadist whose uncle Bill touched him when he was eleven. Hey, the specifics don’t really matter. What matters is that you’re a serial killer, or you soon will be.
But…there’s a rub. You’re not quite sure how to go about it. You feel like you need some good advice.
Hey, we understand. That’s why we’re here. With Death Coaching for Serial Killers, we’ll take you through it all, from your first animal mutilation to your ominous last proclamation as you await the needle. With us, you’ll learn the seven key elements of an effective and compelling victimological profile. You’ll understand the power of a random, grisly act that runs counter to all your established routines. You’ll learn the key elements of controlling law enforcement with lunatic ramblings you release to the press and via the Internet.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me step back and give you a real overview of the program and what it can do for you.
Dissolve to a new background, a little more somber, but recognizable as the same venue. The attractive host is now in a more muted outfit, wearing a sympathetic expression.
It’s hard being a killer. Most often, you’re on your own. You can’t bounce ideas off your friends and neighbors. There are a thousand sources of how NOT to do it, how to get caught before your time or fail to be discovered and immortalized. How to do it right, though…that’s tough. When we were putting together our program, we studied every great killer in history, all the immortals. From Nero and Vlad the Impaler all the way up to BTK, we gathered together all the knowledge of the ages for you.
With this exhaustive approach, we’ve cut to the heart (forgive the pun), of the matter of being a successful murderer who gains great acclaim and enjoys a long career. With our help, you can outfox all the amateur criminalists and would-be sleuths in your neighborhood. When dealing with law enforcement, you’ll always dictate the terms, deciding when, or if, you want to get caught. You’ll be able to kill to the very best of your abilities. You’ll be confident and assured, using your own combination of psychological oddities in your favor.
Cut to a shot of the same killer from early in the video, his sleeves rolled up, tapping a pencil against his chin while he regards an exam sheet on the kitchen table in front of him.
It all starts with our comprehensive exam process. By thoughtfully and honestly answering our questions on Test One: What Kind of Killer Are You? you’ll allow us to put you into the educational track that best suits your strengths and needs.
In Test Two: Compulsion vs. Enjoyment, we’ll pinpoint whether you kill because of some psychotic desire, or if you do it for kicks. This will help us a lot when forming forming a strategy for keeping your butt out of the clink. (Presenter winks.)
Test Three: Dreaming Big allows us to explore your long term plans, how you want to be remembered, how you want to be portrayed in the historical sense. We’ll be able to identify a career arc, choosing from a number of proven tactics, from Forever Unknown to Cultural Icon, from Grand Enigma to Ubiquitous Book Writer.
Once we’ve tested a new student and understand their goals, we can put them into a course of study. Depending on their needs and goals, we’ll develop a tailored curriculum just for them. Although every course is different, we’ll cover the following topics with most of our students:
Show PowerPoint-like overlay with headings appearing as they’re mentioned:
Chemicals, Drugs, and Poisons
The Legal Ramifications of Murder
Useful Tools for Self Control
The Makings of a Great Kill Room
Cut, Burn, Strangle and Pound: A Study of Torture Methdology
Sexual Assault for the Safety Conscious
Numerology and Devil Worship
Staging a Body Made Easy
Work Your Quirk: How to Create a Memorable Killing Pattern
Resolve to the attractive host once more:
Let’s face it, there’s never been a more difficult time to shock a jaded public. In order to stand out and be memorable, a killer has to go the extra mile. You owe it to yourself to get the help and training that’ll let you be at your very best when you begin killing. You owe it to a society to outdo all the script writers on the crime shows.
With Death Coaching for Serial Killers, the world can be your bloody playground. Call the number on your screen or reach us at the website that’s been listed on the crawler throughout the video, and you can get started right away. Our prices are reasonable, and though our program has only recently become available to the public, we have the ringing endorsements of several established and up-and-coming killers throughout the country.
For the international audience, we should point out that versions of the course in Spanish, French, German, and Russian are in the works, with Chinese on the horizon, as well. Wherever you are, you deserve to kill with confidence and aplomb.
Once more, if you’re going to kill, don’t kill alone. Call the number, and sign up for Death Coaching For Serial Killers.
Cut to the confused killer, now in a butcher’s smock, with a hapless victim secured to a table in an orderly kill room. He looks up, breaking the fourth wall, and gives a thumbs up before he lowers a face shield and plunges a corkscrew into the victim’s eye. The number flashes one last time, before the screen goes dark.